Road Maps
by thewrinkleintime
Summary: Stiles is 16 and he's beginning to fall apart.


Warnings: self harm

* * *

Stiles is 16 and he's beginning to fall apart. He doesn't know when it started, only that it's happening and he doesn't know how to make it stop. The panic attacks come back, accompanied by a low level thrum of near-constant anxiety.

He starts hurting himself, adding to the bruises he accumulates from being reckless.

* * *

Stiles is 17 and hitting himself isn't enough anymore. So he buys some double edged razors and starts hurting himself in new ways. It's not a big deal at first, or at least that's what he convinces himself. He doesn't do it very often, maybe once or twice a month, tops. But then school gets more stressful, and Scott get bitten, and Stiles finds his world turned upside down.

The cutting stops happening as isolated events and turns into an obsession. Stiles wears long sleeves and hoodies year round and learns to cut in less obvious places. His hips and inner thighs show a transcript of panic and pain, grief and anxiety drawn in fine, white lines. Stiles tries to stop, he really does. But cutting becomes the go-to solution for feeling too much, or not feeling anything at all. It brings him down from panic, and brings him out of numbness. It reminds him that he's real on the days when his body doesn't feel like it belongs to him.

* * *

Stiles is 18 and the cutting continues to escalate.

Derek is the first one to figure it out. He comes by Stiles' house one day, shortly after Stiles has cut. His arm is bandaged and the evidence is buried in the trash, but Derek is able to sniff out the blood. He takes hold of Stiles' arm, a look of genuine concern coming over his face as he pushes up the sleeve. His reaction surprises Stiles, who expected disgust or anger. But Derek is gentle, running a finger over the raised marks.

"There's more, isn't there." It's not a question. Stiles nods.

Derek comes by more often after that, and Stiles doesn't really mind. He appreciates the company (and Derek is surprisingly good company) and Derek never judges him. He asks about the self harm sometimes, and Stiles answers honestly.

* * *

Stiles is 19 and thinks it's time to start seeing a therapist again. He finds one that specializes in anxiety and self injury, and schedules an appointment. It's hard, at first, to let someone in, but Stiles pushes through the awkwardness and tries to trust his therapist. Stiles is honest about his ambivalence in regards to stopping his self harm, but Leslie says that's normal. They work on harm reduction while Stiles learns new coping skills, and he's able to reduce both the frequency and seriousness of his cutting.

* * *

Stiles is 20 and thinks he should be over this by now. He does well in his classes and has an actual social life. He's moved on from a lot of things, but he can't seem to move on from cutting.

* * *

Stiles is 21 and has just graduated college. He returns home while he figures out what he wants to do next. He starts spending time with Derek again, and discovers that the attraction he had buried so long ago is still there. He doesn't act on it though, instead just enjoys spending lazy afternoons at Derek's apartment, curled up on the couch.

Stiles finds a job working for the local newspaper, and starts searching for a place of his own. Somehow he ends up in the spare bedroom of Derek's apartment. He insists on paying his full share of rent, even though Derek tells him he doesn't have to.

The edges between Stiles' life and Derek's life begin to blur. Scott comments on the fact that Stiles' smell has shifted, has bits of Derek's imbedded in it. Stiles says that's just because they share a place, but Scott insists it's more than that. He gives Stiles weird looks sometimes, as if he just can't figure him out. Stiles pretends not to see.

Stiles has been clean for several months when he relapses, hard. Derek comes home to find Stiles in the bathroom, the smell of blood and panic permeating the air. Derek cleans him up, bandages his arm, and holds him while he falls apart. They end up in Derek's bed, lying together in comfortable silence. Stiles confesses his fear that he'll never be able to stop cutting, and Derek kisses his forehead, wishing he could take emotional pain away like he can physical.

Stiles finds a therapist one town over and starts seeing her every week. She suggests Stiles also see a psychiatrist, and he reluctantly agrees. Dr. Brooks prescribes Stiles an anti anxiety med, and Stiles finds that if it he takes it when he first starts feeling more anxious, he can stave off a panic attack and is less likely to self harm. It's not a cure, but it helps.

* * *

Stiles is 22 when he and Derek start dating. Surprisingly, not a lot changes. The sex is new, but everything else is basically the same.

The cutting hasn't stopped, much to Stiles' disappointment. He worries sometimes, about whether Derek will stick around if things get tough. But then he remembers that Derek has known about the self harm since Stiles was 18, and he's never given any indication that he's going anywhere.

* * *

Stiles is 25 and sitting on the bathroom floor. There is a plastic bag of razors in front of him, some used, some unopened. He stares at them for a good 30 minutes, debating in his mind, going back and forth and then back again. Eventually he picks up the bag and throws it in the trash. He knows that the gesture is mostly symbolic; he can always go out and buy more, but somehow he doesn't think he will. He's been clean for 13 months, and while the urges haven't gone away completely, might not ever go away completely, he's able to manage them. He hasn't needed his anxiety medication in several months, though he still checks in with his psychiatrist every now and then.

He's not fixed, but Stiles thinks that maybe he doesn't need to be, that maybe he can live with some cracks, so long as they don't spread. He thinks that everyone has fissures, his are just marked by the scars on his body.

Derek asks him something later that makes him think.

"Do you regret your scars?"

"No. I mean yeah, it would be nice if I never caused them, but they're there. They're like road maps, they show me where I've been. I think maybe I would have gotten lost without them."

"Road maps."

"Yeah, road maps."

"I love you." Derek kisses Stiles softly.

"I know. I love you too." Stiles smiles and rests his head on Derek's chest.

His maps might still be being drawn, but there's no doubt in his mind as to where they lead.

* * *

Notes:

The harm reduction thing I mentioned is a treatment model used by some therapists [it originally was designed for people with substance abuse issues] who believe that self destructive behaviors serve a purpose, and some people may not be willing or able to stop them. Instead of focusing on abstinence, these policies focus on reducing the harm done from those behaviors. Harm reduction doesn't condone self destructive behaviors, but it doesn't judge them. I've used harm reduction with my own treatment team; I've gone from weekly ER visits to being clean for close to 8 weeks now.

Also I don't believe that being in a relationship fixes someone's personal issues, but I do believe that having multiple sources of support and happiness in your life can help aid in recovery.


End file.
